A Power Ranking of George Santos’s Insane, Extravagant Purchases

On Friday, a resolution was introduced by the chairman of the House ethics committee to expel New York representative George Santos from Congress after a recent report demonstrated that Santos had used campaign funds for personal purchases. The report stated that the already embattled Santos “sought to fraudulently exploit every aspect of his House candidacy for his own personal financial profit,” and although Santos’s political career has survived two previous expulsion attempts, it’s unclear whether his bizarre luck will save him this time.

Obviously, siphoning campaign funds to pay for things that have nothing to do with your actual campaign is bad, full stop. That said, when I read the report’s account of Santos’s purchases, I couldn’t help being almost impressed at his, well…taste. (If you’re going to do something wrong, do it in style, I guess?) Below, find a power ranking of all of Santos’s off-limits expenditures, from OnlyFans to Ferragamo.

  1. OnlyFans: Sex work is work! And really, this is the only entry on the list that could be viewed as a sort of Robin Hood–esque reappropriation of Republican money—dropping it into the pockets of often stigmatized and underpaid sex workers—rather than just vanity run amok.
  2. Sephora: He’s just like me, for real.
  3. $4,127.80 in designer goods from Hermès: A touch of class!
  4. Ferragamo, perhaps the red sneakers he was seen wearing in Congress: I personally might have opted for a loafer, but I would never dream of telling Santos how to embezzle.
  5. Botox: LOL.
  6. Adventureland Amusement Park on Long Island: Iconic and a hell of a lot more fun than sitting in a doctor’s office with needles in your face, I have to assume.
  7. Caesars and Harrah’s, two casinos in Atlantic City: I hate casinos (mostly due to the trapped-smoke smell), but I could probably learn to love them if I went to one on a GOP-funded spending spree.
  8. Home Depot: This man really couldn’t afford a snow shovel with his own money? Sad.
  9. Rent: Boring. Take that money and reinvest it into more Sephora, IMO.